I’m selling this marble. It’s glass, it’s green, and it’s ruining my life.
So here’s the deal. We’ve got this marble at our house and my kids are OBSESSED with it. They play with it constantly, which means they fight over it constantly, and I. AM. DONE. It all started last Christmas when Santa brought them a marble run complete, of course, with a bag of marbles. But Santa screwed up. Santa thought that giving the twins one bag of marbles to share (which only contained one big marble) was a fine idea. IT. WAS. NOT. This lone big marble has ruined everything. The marble run sits deserted in our playroom, along with all of their other toys, collecting dust. This green hunk of glass is all that my kids care about. And I’m tired of dealing with it. I am, quite literally, losing my marbles.
Now, of course you may be wondering why I didn’t nip this in the bud sooner by taking this atrocity away. I would have taken it away a lot sooner if I could have. But they’re 5-year-old twins. While they fought over it all the time, they were also united in one single cause – to drive me crazy. They knew I wanted it gone, and that was all the more reason for them to team up and keep it from me. I kid you not they had some sort of system. They’d use their little twin telepathy or language or something to communicate with each other and hide it. They would stop in the middle of fighting over it as soon as I walked in the room to stop them. They knew I wanted to take the damn thing away, and they were united in keeping that from happening. So they’d switch the marble back and forth between them, hiding it, playing a game of cat and mouse with me. It was like I was Tom, but there were two Jerrys I had to chase around.
Clearly, for me to be listing this marble, that means I must have finally gotten my hands on it, right? Let me just say that I have never taken joy in my children being sick. They’re my babies and I hate to see them hurting – and with twins it means everything, including illness, is double the trouble. But they both got hit by the flu at the same time, and amidst the puke and Pedialyte, I saw my golden window of opportunity. The twins were finally asleep – and I should have been doing the same, but then I remembered, THE MARBLE. It had to be around somewhere and the twins weren’t actively conspiring against me at this point, so I had to get my hands on that thing once and for all. I had been keeping my eye out for it the second I realized the flu was going to take them down for a while but hadn’t seen it since I had quarantined them to the couch in the living room. It wasn’t on the twins – they’re too smart for that. It wasn’t in their room, it wasn’t in the playroom, I even checked the fridge. Nothing. So I went back to the living room to check on the twins. They were still asleep and I sat down in between them. Just as I was about to switch on some good old HGTV, I noticed a glimmer, something reflecting in our fish tank. It was the marble. Right there, hidden in plain sight this entire time. The twins were clever, but this time mom came out on top. I got up from the couch slowly, darted across the living room, shoved my arm right into the fish tank, grabbed the marble and got it into my back pocket just as one of the twins started yelling about how he was about to puke again. After dealing with that episode I went into the kitchen to revel in my victory. I washed off the marble and then locked it in our safe, the only place I knew they couldn’t get to. And so here I am, in possession of the thing that has been ruining my life. And I want it gone.
The marble has got to go. But rather than chuck it in the garbage, I figured I’d list it on here and sell it. I just want to be able to say that I got at least a dollar back from the thing that will inevitably cost me thousands in therapy bills long after it is gone. To be honest I’ll probably just throw most of what I make off of it into the little stinker’s college funds – minus the price of a pedicure for me because at this point, I deserve one. But really, it’s got to go, and if you don’t have kids, or at least don’t have any like mine, I’d be happy to have you take it off my hands.